The World is Not Ours

Archive for January 2016

Sometimes, We All Need to Vent

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RE Camera

One of the many places I enjoy visiting

At the risk of sounding like Lemony Snicket, what follows is going to be rather depressing. Or sad. Or just playing annoying. I don’t care.

So it’s been two whole years since my last blog post! Lots has happened since then, and I will definitely address much of it in future posts. One little tidbit now though, I am in the most wonderful relationship ever, which is awesome! Onto the sad stuff.

I’m about to have the shittiest birthday. For the fourth time in a row. I’ve made it through the last three, so I’m sure I’ll get through this one too, but it really sucks not being able to spend the day you were born with people you love. It’s fucking devastating really. I have two days in the year which are my absolute favorite. New Years and my birthday. I haven’t had a good New Years in the last so many years that I’ve lost count. At least I used to have my birthday to look forward to, but as mentioned earlier, even that has failed me. Life sucks. I know other people have it harder than me, and this may sound rude, but that doesn’t mean I must have a terrible start to the year.

For the last couple of weeks, whenever I’m driving somewhere, if I’m about to turn I play a game of chicken with myself and whatever tree, wall or signpost is in a straight line in front of me. Since I am currently writing this, I have clearly chickened out and turned the wheel before I crash violently into a tree, the wall of a bridge, or a sign. Now I wouldn’t necessarily say I am suicidal, I change my mind too quickly to go with that, instead I would say I just want to be noticed. Maybe. Sometimes I feel like free-falling to my death. One less human in the world, right? I’ve ranted about overpopulation before. But, don’t you worry, I’m not exactly done with life yet. If I do free-fall, it will be with a parachute.

For those of you who don’t know me (should be all of you), normally I am a very positive person. But I need this. I need to be negative. I keep so much of it inside, it gets toxic. I can’t talk about it with anyone because I suck at talking about these things. I feel like I wouldn’t be able to convey what I really mean. This space is my world without filters. I’ve been trying to find a positive side to something in the last few days but unfortunately life has only gotten worse. I was supposed to see my significant other on my birthday, which would have been great, but she has to find a new place to live as her lease is up, and won’t be able to make it out to see me. Which makes perfect sense, but I can be cranky about it because it’s my damn birthday.

Fuck life too. I’ve graduated college with my bachelor of science in biology and life couldn’t be more stressful right now. Trying to be a people pleaser, yet also make myself happy. It’s difficult.

I guess all I want for now is to have a good birthday, which won’t be happening. It’s moments like this where I really wish I could just disappear. Not die, but just leave. Go be happy. But I couldn’t bear making even the people who I don’t like as much unhappy or sad, let alone the people I do care about.  If you made it this far, awesome!

Thanks for reading what amounts to the absolute mess that is my current state of mind.

Final note: I’ll start posting more when I randomly have bursts of happiness so everything isn’t so negative.

Written by Kish

January 7, 2016 at 12:12 am

Posted in Uncategorized